By Dan O'Donnell
I've heard of the Whig and Tory political parties, but a Torre party? Apparently Joe Torre could go from Steinbrenner's doghouse to the White House if Rudy Giuliani is elected President. Obviously Rudy was kidding, but it got me thinking--could we staff a presidential cabinet solely with sports figures? Absolutely. In fact, here are some suggestions:
Secretary of Defense - Ray Lewis. Not only is he one of the NFL's best linebackers, but he speaks softly and carries a sharp knife. You listening, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad?
Secretary of Homeland Security - Bill Belichick. Nobody else in sports is as well-equipped to oversee our nation's terrorist surveillance programs. If Osama Bin Laden starts throwing inside slants on third down, Belichick will be the first to know about it.
Secretary of the Treasury - Alex Rodriguez. Who else would know how to spend an astronomical amount of money? Trust me, the federal deficit will have nothing on A-Rod's new contract.
Secretary of Education - Joe Theismann. Solely for saying "no one in football should be considered a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Attorney General - Pacman Jones. I'm not sure any athlete is as intimately familiar with the criminal justice system. He'll make it rain legality.
Secretary of Commerce - Peyton Manning. Seriously, I have yet to see a commercial during a football game that does not star Peyton Manning. This guy is capitalism personified.
Secretary of Health and Human Services - Steve Sparks. The former Brewers knuckleballer (and knucklehead) separated his shoulder trying to rip a phone book in half after he saw a motivational speaker do it. That's just the kind of brains and hands-on contact with America's health care system that we need.