The Brewers lose 2 out of the 3 to the White Sox, the Lakers win the NBA title, the Penguins take Lord Stanley’s cup, Mark Martin gets a Sprint Cup win, Shaq might go to the Cavs, it was an eventful weekend to say the very least. With all that went on, I’m not elaborating about any of that just yet (the Brewers I’ll get to later today or tomorrow), I’m going to venture away from the topic of sports and into the world of human nature and personal conduct. If you’ve checked out my Facebook page, you’ll know where I’m going with this already.

On Sunday, I woke up and made my usual trek towards the Wisconsin Athletic Club to get in a good cardio workout. It’s about 7:50 – 8 A.M. when I arrive. I love that time on a Sunday because there are very few people in the gym and I tend to have the place to myself. Yesterday, there were 3 people in the cardio fitness area.  I climbed up on my chosen elliptical machine and began my workout. There was a woman directly next to me, who I could see, was into her workout for about 15 minutes prior to my arrival. After about a minute or two into my ascent on the stair climber, I noticed a rather foul odor. The only thing that I can equate it to is rank morning breath doused in strong coffee with a touch of bad burrito. In circumstances like that the first thing you wonder, “Is it me”? I knew it wasn’t for I had brushed my teeth, rinsed with whitening mouthwash and was chewing a small piece of Dentyne Ice gum. I knew that I was in the clear. Since there was no one else near me but the woman next to me, it didn’t take an FBI undercover agent to figure out that she was the metaphoric chimney from which the foul odor spewed. I continued my workout but breathing off to my left side where the air seemed fresher. As I used my peripheral vision, I could see that as her workout intensified, her breathing became heavier and that meant that the odor became more prevalent. I couldn’t get the stank out of my head now. It was increasing to the point that I was now trying not to think about gagging or worse. Finally, I had to get down from my machine and walk 4 to 5 machines down and begin again a new workout. As I did this, the woman looked at me rather inquisitively.

I consider myself a nice guy, someone easy to get along with, someone who appreciates constructive criticism and someone who puts himself in others shoes. As I began to stride upward I was thinking to myself that I’ve been to black tie affairs and I’ve seen belching contests at motorcycle rides and tailgate parties so I’ve run the spectrum of  social graces or lack thereof. I decided that I was going to alert this woman, who may not truly know, that there’s an unpleasant odor emanating from her mouth that’s offensive to others. Afterall, if the shoe were on the other foot, I’d appreciate a “heads up” if I were offending. I would respect other’s rights to work out without up-chucking their Vitamin Water.

I stepped down and walked toward the woman choosing my words carefully and hoping that she’s as understanding a person as I am. I open with a greeting, “Hi there, my name’s Bill”. She takes off her head phones and says “hello” with a puzzled grin. “I think you noticed that I moved down a few machines”, I softly stated. “I want you to know that I’m the type of person who truly appreciates it when someone tells me that I’ve got something on my teeth rather than letting me walk around at a party like that.” I figure empathy, that’s the ticket. 

“God knows that I’ve been in enough goofy situations”, I said. “That’s why I felt compelled to stop back over. I’m in no way trying to embarrass you.” 

Now she’s looking mortified so I’m thinking, like a band-aid….rip it right off and get it over with.

“I was working out with you and, in case you were meeting someone for breakfast or heading out after your workout, wanted to let you know that I was getting faint whiffs of…” and I whisper….”bad breath.”

Before I could even get out of my mouth, “I apologize if I offended you”,  I muttered, “I ap…..” I got a rather loud, “You F$#%*ING D&*K” and she stormed off of her machine and headed straight to the front desk.

Shrugging my shoulders I figured, I tried. I bet when Albert Schweitzer told his first patient that he or she had the herpes, he got the same reaction.

My earphones went back into my ears and up went the music as I watched this woman, for what seemed an eternity, point me out to the front desk person and rant, with her finger wagging like she was Zoro. She snapped around and walked out of the front door. 

I waited. No one, no one came to talk to me…nothing. 

I finished my workout 45 minutes later. I wiped down my machine (something little miss boiler breath forgot to do..but I won’t bring that up) and strolled towards the front door. I stopped for a moment to speak with the poor front desk person who had to endure the woman’s fury. I told her what had happened and as I arrived at the part in the explanation regarding the woman’s breath, the girl behind the front desk butted in and exclaimed, “Oh my God I knooooowwwwww”. Immediately, I felt vindicated.

Here’s a tip from yer Uncle Bill, if you’re gonna walk around with farm animal like breath, pass gas like black exhaust spewing from an aging semi, allow yourself or your area to get out of hand unkempt, I just might alert you to the fact. Isn’t honesty supposed to be the best policy? Well, it is now!!