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The Cold Filtered Ramblings of Gene Mueller

No way did she just say that

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I'm admittedly late to the "Ted" party.

My son (he's 22, so don't rag me about taking my child to an age-inappropriate movie) and I caught the Seth MacFarlane flick the other afternoon.   Just to punctuate my point about my tardiness in seeing this film, he and I were the only two people in the theater.

I'd seen the uncut trailer and loved it: unabashedly profane, the film centers on the relationship between a grown man and the teddy bear he got when he was a friendless eight year old.  

Oh, did I mention the fact the bear's alive?

That's right.  The child wishes one night that the bear would be able to be his walking, talking pal and BAH-ZITCH!  It happens.   The story goes global, with Ted becoming an international celeb before fading into oblivion as just another star whose 15 minutes are up.

Toy and boy grow up and appear to be in-sync, 35 year old BFF's as the movie gains traction.

I can suspend my disbelief to buy into the premise that a stuffed animal can spring to life.

I can believe said toy can grow up.

I watched in wonder as Ted did an appearance on Johnny Carson's "Tonight Show".   I'm still wondering how MacFarlane's tech crew pulled that one off.

I didn't flinch when the bear swilled beer, quaffed booze, burned weed and snorted coke with the 80's TV version of Flash Gordon.


But what I'll never believe is what I saw about halfway through the film, when Ted and his grocery-store girlfriend go on a double date with Mark Wahlberg (Ted's boyhood pal) and his longtime sweetie, Mila Kunis.  Things don't go well between the girls, and there's an angry confrontation followed by a walkout by the bear's date.

It's then and there that an unbelievable story gets absurd, as Kunis drops what is politely referred to as "the c-bomb" to describe the freshly departed female.


"Ted" is about a reality in which stuffed animals chat, drive cars, do bongs, hang with prostitutes and have vocabularies like longshoremen.   It works, but to a point, as there's no way a woman uses THAT WORD. 


It's a marriage-buster.   A relationship-destroyer.   The ultimate verbal nuclear weapon.   The final word that comes before the phrase, "That's it...we're through!" and the slamming of doors.

Seth MacFarlane pushes a lot of envelopes with "Family Guy" and other projects including "Ted"   You can ask me to believe innominate objects can come to life.    I'll buy into a man and a stuffed animal becoming de facto roomies, sharing a mutual adolescence into their 30s'.  

But a woman using the c-bomb?  C'mon, man.

Next thing you know, Hollywood will do a movie about an alien who eats Reese's Pieces.




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